Washington D.C. The federal government is set to officially change the name of the often controversial No Child Left Behind Act in order to alleviate any confusion over its purpose.


“We believe in a union between a man and a woman to be the only union between whom or which we believe in,” said President Bush on Tuesday. According to the administration, special interest groups have hijacked the connotative possibilities of No Child Left Behind.


One suggestion was to change the name to No Child Left Untouched, but this resolution was quickly scrapped. No Child Left Stupid was also not adopted, and No Child Left Poor was said to be against fundamental principles of American society. No Child Left was also suggested, but House Democrats argued against the title’s partisan nature. A specially-appointed act-renaming committee decided that the No Child Act would be the most appropriate name.