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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.
  • Sawgrass Village Shopping Center Road Rage
    I guess folks with expendable income show up in their Mercedeses and Lexuses (Mercedes and Lexi?) to the Sawgrass Village Shopping Center on Valentine's Day. At 1:15 on Valentine's Day, it was if there was a senior citizen convention at the shopping center. One of them nearly made a citizen's arrest on me, just before another one nearly crashed into another patron of the NY strip mall. Overall, there were too many mini and mega SUVs vying for the same parking spots, presumably occupied by shoppers looking for that perfect gift to curb the whining before it even happens.


    I would like to apologize to the lady who was going the right way in the one-way parking lot. I came down the up aisle, and no one was coming, so I went for it, and then this lady showed up. And there was plenty of room for us to pass, but she gave me the multiple light flash and the horn, along with flailing arms. Like I'd just run over her shih tzu or something. Maybe she was just ornery because she keeps trying to convince herself that her Toyota Avalon is the same thing as a Lexus. Or maybe she always gets upset on Valentine's Day because her husband would rather play golf than deal with her rantings about the horrible drivers in the Sawgrass Village Shopping Center. Or he already traded her in for a shiny new model who is actually a model. I am truly sorry, lady I don't know from Ponte Vedra, for making your exit from the Publix parking lot so stressful. However, now you have a new topic of conversation to bring up at the next fundraiser you attend. I am sure all your acquaintances you call friends would love to hear about how you nearly died when a driver came barreling down the wrong way at 5mph right at you. Maybe if you hurry back to Publix you can ask to see the parking lot surveillance video and have a warrant issued for my arrest.

    Oddly enough, even with the horrible road driving conditions in Jacksonville, most of my closest calls (or people getting angry at me for non-close calls) have happened in parking lots. Really, there is no standard: some one-ways, some stop signs, some grids. Area parking lots are like a microcosm of Jacksonville street planning, with the added bonus of empty shopping carts. And this lady’s anger in a parking lot was probably the result of years of having to deal with the roads in Jax, wishing that her weekly trip to Publix and Peterbrooke was an oasis from idiots on the road. So, I’m sorry.
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  • Formerly Fuscillo (or Fuccillo) Nissan
    I was looking for a deal on a synthetic oil change, and I'd used the Money Pages magazine for such a deal before with Southside Kia, when I came across an even better price at Nissan of Orange Park. When I looked at the ad a little closer, I saw the phrase, "Formerly Fuscillo Nissan," which got me to wondering what happened to the Fuccillo business, and whether it was Fuccillo (like the other dealerships in Florida) or Fuscillo (like the ad says).


    For about two years, Fuccillo Nissan had these wild commercials on TV, stating that the savings were HUGE. Lots of giveaways, like cruises, too. And, lest we forget, the very pretty spokesmodel who looked like she was heading off to her high school homecoming dance in the dress her father specifically said she could not wear. At one point, when I had out-of-town guests at my house and a Fuccillo commercial came on, the guest asked when hookers started selling cars. 

    Besides the eye candy, I always enjoyed the ads because it seemed like they just had one of the porters or salesmen standing there with a smartphone capturing people saying previously unrehearsed statements about a few cars on the lot, usually in windy conditions. Like something a small town car dealership might have thrown together back in the 1970s. It was as if a new car dealership wanted to give the impression that it was, in fact, a seedy used car lot, and that amused me. 

    I worked at a new car dealership back in Milwaukee, and I can tell you that the salesmen might be dressed in monkey suits, but they aren't really your typical banker or lawyer types. That said, most car dealerships want to project the image of being professional, so the guys wear suits to sell cars. And have miniature offices and business cards. I was a 17 year-old porter who washed cars, but the salesmen were the ones who came back to swear at us and make fun of the stupid customers they'd swindled. Those were the guys who taught me that I could never really be a salesman. Anyhow, I kind of liked Fuccillo because it owned that brashness that I knew existed at car dealerships. The problem might be that people want to pretend like they are buying their cars from honest businessmen in suits who run professional commercials on TV. 


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